Anxiety

I just wanted to capture this moment from God because as Christians sometimes we can forget that God is at work for our good even times of suffering. These last two weeks of school must have been the hardest time of my life so far. The last 3 days I've had insomnia. I wasn't able to sleep, even if I did fall asleep I would wake up middle of the night moving around. I thought in my head what is the matter. The reason was my anxiety about school. Knowing me I'm someone that likes to be in control of situations. These last two weeks, I felt I wasn't in control- I felt I wasn't competent for my job, I felt I wasn't fit of my job. I wanted to give up and quit. These things were constantly in my head day and night. I was scared to come to school, knowing what my day would look like.

I guess it was God's perfect timing that I was able to attend basecamp at KCC and hearing the sermon topic on anxious. I believed these were timed because God wanted me to hear him. He wanted me to come back to him. In reality, I felt I was ok without God, I thought I could work on my own achievements and success. I was never so wrong. And this led to my stubbornness and pride that I could do life independently without God.

It all started when term 3 began when I was organised what I wanted for the class, my expectations, my agenda, my rules. These all diminished and crumbled when all these expectations weren't achieved. I felt like a failure in myself and I wasn't fit for my job. Anxiety started to creep in...

I would have second thoughts in my head every time and everywhere. For example, I would stay at school, not having a clear mind about what I wanted to do and leave not knowing what I did or achieved. Another I would be at home coming from school planning for things, thinking I needed to achieve something.

Anxiety was telling me something that I feared, in which during the time I wasn't aware. Fear reveals what you value, fear tells you what you deeply want most, fear rules your heart. My heart was in something else. Paul Tripp calls it horizontal fear- I feared about what people (colleagues) thought of me, I feared that if things didn't work that resulted in my failure as a teacher. I feared to be alone.

All I can say is that through my suffering it was a yearning that God wants me to draw closer to him and not on my own understanding or achievement. Because when it is, I was relying on myself and what I would have achieved.

Let God's promises speak louder than your fears.

Don't be afraid is the most common phrase in the bible- meaning that God is saying to us 'I will be with you" Matthew 6. This never felt so real and I cried into tears because the answer was simple. Let God in your life- I was too prideful that I could do things on my own and why would I ask God these things if my bible and prayer life was empty. I had forgotten his grace. I had forgotten my identity. I had forgotten who is the captain. Jesus commands the storm- Jesus cures our deepest needs.

I am sorry Lord, for everything. Please forgive me and please be in my life. Please rule my life.